01/20/05

We are commonly asked, “How do you know if someone is a batterer?”  While there is no sure way to identify an abuser or potential abuser, there are a number of characteristics that should be considered “Red Flags” that your partner may be an abuser, now or in the future.

 

Additionally, family members and colleagues outside of your relationship will often not see the abusive behaviors because abusers typically maintain a likable “front” to others; therefore victims are often told, “He (she) doesn’t look like a batterer,” or  “He (she) doesn’t act like a batterer.”   Keep in mind that abusers can be from any profession, religion, gender, ethnicity or socio-economic group, and most often reveal their abusive nature over time.

The following is a brief list of behaviors most often observed in abusers and victims; however, the most important thing to listen to is your own instinct, do you think you are in an abusive relationship?  If so, it is important that you talk to a professional, better safe than sorry. 

Does your Partner…

ü      Embarrass or make fun of you in front of friends or family?

ü      Put down your accomplishments or goals?

ü      Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

ü      Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

ü      Tell you that you are nothing without them?

ü      Treat you roughly-grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?

ü      Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?

ü      Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

ü      Blame you for how they feel or act?

ü      Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?

ü      Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship?

ü      Prevent you from doing things you want-like spending time with your friends or family?

ü      Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?

Do You…

ü      Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

ü      Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

ü      Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

ü      Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

ü      Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

ü      Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

ü      Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

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